Wah. I am very sad. Last night, I did the wheat test, deliberately eating something with wheat after not eating any for the last two weeks.

And had a reaction. A bad reaction. Bathroom visits about 20-30 minutes after the tortilla and then again and again for 2-3 more lovely visits to the john.

I don't WANT to be gluten intolerant. It's annoying. It inconveniences others.

Haven't been eating well either this weekend, since it's hard to eat well while at work. And, work has been CRAZY, so I treated myself to M&Ms both nights, and then when I ended up parking cars until 1:30 am, I had some cheetos.

I'm sad.

Yay! Mary's back. And eating well. Glad to see it.

The detox pad things are probably a crock of ... well, what you eliminate when you're detoxing. I'm mainly doing this through food (lots of fruits and veggies) and even more water. Not doing the pill thing so much, although I'm taking lots of vitamins as well.

I watched Biggest Loser again, and exercised the entire two-hour show as well. Just walked in place on the treadmill (since the stupid thing is broke) and even jogged in place for a while. The show is very inspiring. Watching others trying so hard to lose weight, watching them struggle so hard since they were overweight (the 400-lb kid in the kayak was sad since he couldn't keep himself sitting up while using the pedals)... it really makes me want to lose weight.

And there's a real stupid b***h on the show, who barely made it through this week. I want to have more weight loss than she does. She only lost 2 lbs in Week 2, which is what I'm working on now. Hopefully, I'll lose more than 2 lbs, but the scale is not showing that. I need to do more cardio stuff, I think.

Decided to reward myself last night for avoiding sweets. Had this protein smoothie --- banana chocolate --- that tasted better than anything I've ever had in my life. :) Of course, it was 240 a serving, and the bottle had 2 servings. So I stopped at one!

Never been able to do that before. But I know I'll be able to drink the rest later.

I'm trying to appreciate all the food that I eat. Oh, last night, I had the portobello with organic pizza sauce. I topped it with soy cheese. The cheese was the absolute nastiest thing I have ever had in my life. We aren't eating that anymore. I'll go without cheese from now on.

Tonight, I'm going to dinner with my Mom at Mamma Lucia's. I'll test whether or not wheat sets me off. Nothing like pasta to let me know. :)

I felt so much better yesterday after eating a Super Food Salad for lunch (spinach, tomatoes, turkey, beans, broccoli) that it's made me more determined than ever to focus on eating much more nutritionally. Because think of how good I'd feel if I had been eating like that all last week if only one meal could make me feel so energized?

I ate a good lunch today, consisting of turkey breast on high fiber bread, cup of tea, and an orange, but alas, had a donut for breakfast. My cravings for sugar and fat are high right now. Is it the weather?

I plan on eating salmon, brussel sprouts and whole grains for dinner, so, all in all, a good nutritional day.

My clutter busting is coming along. Last night I filled an entire hefty bag with stuff from my chest of drawers and closet. I'm tackling my bookcases tonight, and, if I have energy to spare, my desk. If not, that is tomorrow night.

I'm also planning on re-reading "You on a Diet" because that book really impressed me. I made a lot of notes and marked pages - something I've never done with a diet book before, so, I want to revisit that and do some menu planning. It's become very, very, VERY clear to me that if I don't plan, I'm done for. That's just all there is to it - healthy living/eating doesn't just happen. You have to plan for it.

Cathyoma, I saw these pads you stick on your feet at night that are supposed to help detoxify you! They were at WalMart. Hmmmm....

Well, I should find out shortly if milk is a problem. They had Tortilla soup today, which I absolutely adore, and is almost acceptable on the diet: beans, tomatoes, and chicken. The chicken is the technical no-no, although I know it's not chicken that upsets my stomach, so I went ahead and enjoyed it.

I was in the middle of my first bowl when I realized that it really tasted yummy... in fact, oops. I called to find out if it had any milk in it and the kitchen eventually got back to me to say, yes, it has heavy cream in it.

No wonder it tastes so yummy. I decided to use it as a test, since there wasn't wheat in it. I went ahead and had three bowls of it (they are small bowls, and it's all I had for lunch).

So, let's see if my stomach rebels. The lack of a response doesn't necessarily mean I'm okay. As part of this detox plan, I am taking enzyme tablets, so perhaps it'll negate any bad reactions.

I should have had more salad with lunch, and less soup.

I just read an article about weight loss, and it discusses setting goals in writing. So, here goes:

1) Lose 30 lbs by June when the German relatives show up. Ideally, I'd prefer to have it be 50 lbs, but I'll be reasonable.
2) More immediately, lose 10 lbs during January. I'm halfway there.
3) Continue to blog almost daily.
4) Lose 60 lbs by the end of the year.
5) Exercise 4x a week.
6) Drink 8 glasses of water a day.

Hmm... I'll come back to this when I'm more motivated and add rewards for acheiving goals.

As I said in a post or so ago, it's a lot harder to do this diet when you're not getting the affirmation from the scale. :(

I'm stuck now back at 225 and sad. But I know there's reasons. No. 1, my pee was dark yellow this morning. I'm not drinking the water as much at all, especially at the house.

Also... there's honey. I bought some this weekend, and yesterday came home and spread it on the unsweetened banana chips I had. Kinda defeats the purpose there. Dinner was then just the banana chips and honey, and then a big batch of potatoes. No veggies and too much sugar.

So. I need to get back on eating healthier dinners. Tonight is the tofu noodles with spaghetti sauce, and I'll need to add some squash to that and also a salad.

Not sure what I'm having for lunch, probably the lentil soup and a salad. Breakfast is the banana chips (no honey this time), an apple, a banana, and some apple sauce.

And I'm not exercising. Tonight is Biggest Loser, so I'll exercise while I watch that, I know.

I've been ignoring this blog because I've been depressed, bitter, and eating like a fiend. :(

I managed to not allow the setback to make me get off the diet. Plus I didn't allow a fight with my mother to set me back either (we've since made up.)

Was 224 today, so I lost 6 lbs in a week. I can accept that. :)

Need to do my cardio workout, but don't have time before the party I'm going to. In fact, that would be my next temptation. I knew that I was going to this party and that I was going to allow it to be my once-a-week meat time. Laura only makes the posole and the tamales once a year for this party, so I don't want to miss that.

I'm going to take some advice I read though, and eat before going to the party. I had the rest of the salad from Whole Foods, and will have some soup as well.

Darn, I wish I had thought to check for soy cheese at the Whole Foods. Darn darn darn.

Well, it's been somewhat easy to resist things since I've been getting positive feedback from the scale. Yesterday, I was even able to resist the chocolate chip and snickerdoodle cookies my Mom was baking because I knew that I was losing a pound a day by being good.

And, of course, this morning, it wasn't as good. :( I was back to 225. I'm not sure why. Perhaps since I didn't drink as much water or perhaps because I loved the blueberry smoothies so much that I had three. Even if I eat healthy food, I need to watch portions.

I need to go drink some more today. I don't drink as much water when I'm not at work.

Went to Whole Foods today, got some fun new foods so that I can have some variety.

Today might be a challenge. I called out sick today with a bad headache, so that means I'm home with more access to food.

However, I've slept in until 10 am, so that'll help. And I don't feel starving, so I'm just going through my routine of the lemon water, than some fruits.

Okay, took a break and got some food. Since I'm at home, I finally got to make some of the fruits be a smoothie. Took some frozen blueberries and some vanilla soy milk. Added some sugar too (which technically is a no-no) then realized I should have added orange juice and gotten the same sweetness. It was freaking delicious. Like, better than most things I can buy that is bad for you.

Had some eggs for lunch, but I'm still a bit hungry. I'll have to drink some water and distract myself for a while. Then, maybe another smoothie. :)

Down to 223 this morning, so that's 7 lbs this week. And I'm on Day 1 of period, so it should go down more.

Okay, this was a serious first for me. I often watch exercise videos... as in "watch them" for the first time, since I get tired soon. So I'll do a bit, sit and watch. Then grudgingly get up again and do some more. My mother and I once did a yoga video on our butts the entire time. :)

But this video is fun. So fun that I was multi-tasking and eating dinner too and still got up to try the moves. It's fun.

I've had to modify it a bit, since my left ankle is still a bit weak. Plus, my knees hate me. That pisses me off. I've always heard people complain about their knees, but mine was okay until last year. Then it was just the right. Now it's both knees.

If I lose weight, will I lose the pain? If so, that alone will be worth it.

Had a good food day again, Day 3 without meat, dairy, or wheat. (Day 4 with no dairy or wheat.)

Okay, I won't turn this into a "Biggest Loser" blog, but while I see why they are doing it, I think it's stupid. They took 11 couples (which I thought was great since it gives you support). Then after the weigh in, after one week, instead of sending one couple home, they sent home one person from nine teams.

They are trying to show that you can do this at home too, but I still think it's better to have support. And I wish they could have let them stay longer than 1 week.

I know it's a reality show, but it can also save lives, so I'd rather have the people stay longer than a week.

They can come back after 30 days if their teammate does, but I wish they could let people at home, who are supposed to be losing weight, get weighed in and be able to come back due to their own work.

Oh, talking about work, I "walked" on the treadmill during the show. I marched in place, walked up and down the distance, and used it as step aerobics until my knees complained. I also did some sit-ups and push-ups. Okay, one, maybe two push-ups. :)

So, I'm watching for the first time, "America's Biggest Loser." It's the opening session, and I've been spending the last 15 minutes crying as I watch them, since I feel what they feel.

I'm tired of feeling this way, I'm tired of hiding behind my weight, I'm tired of being looked at for being fat, I"m tired of using that as my identifier. I'm smart, I'm a good writer, I'm funny, I'm a smart ass, I'm a hard worker, I'm a good daughter, a good friend... but to me, I think that the world sees me as fat.

Honestly, people probably do see me as smart, funny, smart ass, good worker, etc. But I see myself as being fat, and probably portray myself as such. I've used being fat as an excuse for a lot of things.

And I've used a lot of things as an excuse for being fat.

Wow. The show just had one of the contestants, on day 1 before even really working out, pass out. So it's an interesting way of showing the real life and death situation of being overweight. This show has the heaviest weigh-in ever (454 lbs) and the heaviest woman ever (374).

I've also been reading some of that dude... let me go look him up. The "I can make you thin" dude. Paul McKenna (thank you Google). He's got some interesting ideas, including some I think could help you, Mary.

It's the idea that when you're hungry... you should eat. And you should eat what you want.

But the idea is to enjoy what you're eating. Not to watch TV, or read, or drive, or anything. Just eat, enjoying each bite. In fact, you're supposed to smell your food between each bite to fully appreciate the food.

Perhaps that's a way you can get enjoyment from food, without having to overeat and feel completely full.

Anyway, it's the time for the weigh-in. The best line so far is a woman saying "My weight is higher than a linebacker for the Green Bay Packers." People are crying during the weigh in, so I'm crying again.

Okay, I wish that Nora Roberts could watch this so that she could get a feel for real people's weights. There's that one woman that Nora described as "huge and fat" and she was 180 pounds. Hell, I'd love to be 180 pounds.

I'm trying to exercise a bit while watching this show. I really wish my damned treadmill worked.

How's this for accountability - everybody has been bringing in their leftover Christmas/New Year's treats, and I've been grazing on them all day. Ugh.

Chocolate is a huge weakness of mine. I need to learn how to be satisfied with a taste. But the truth is, I enjoy nothing so much as being very full. It's like a drug. maybe more exercise is key - it feels gross to exercise on a full stomach. But therein lies another problem. Those mystical endorphins and feel-good rush everybody touts? Never felt it while exercising. Never. I feel tired, sweaty, breathless, and pained. Hmmm. Is it because I'm so out of shape that I can't reach that level, but if I suffer through the crap long enough, I will? If that's the case, I've never been able to endure it long enough for it to feel good.

Heh - it's a lot like dieting, when you think about it. It takes months, when you're as obese as I am, to see a real difference. Months of not feeling full.

Baby steps! I need a non-perishable, yet good for me snack that I can keep in my office so that I stop grazing on chocolate. Any suggestions?

Oh yeah, accountability. That was one of the prongs we had discussed.

I haven't mentioned my starting weight yet, so let me do that. As of Saturday, I was 230, right on the dot. Pretty much my highest weight ever, go me!

Seriously, it is the highest I've been. At the doctor's, with clothes, it was 233. Blech.

This morning, it was 228, so hopefully the detox is helping. I think the drinking lots of water and having little salt helps a lot, flushing everything out.

When I was in Iowa during Christmas, David had just gotten a Wii Fit for his family. Since I won't see them (of the Wii Fit) again until June, I did a goal of losing 30 pounds by June (when my entire German family is coming to visit.) It's depressing to realize that this still means I'll be over 200 pounds.

Still, that's a loss of 5 pounds a month. If I do better than that, perhaps I'll be under 200.

*sigh* Again, I can remember being 200 pounds and wanting to lose 80 pounds more. Now I guess I want to lose over 100 pounds total.

Hmm, I seem to be focusing on weight again, rather than health. Okay, I want to be healthy enough when the Germans come to be able to traipse around New York and Washington DC without being incredibly sore or having to take breaks like I did when Aubree went to DC. That was just sad.

My pee is clear.

And frequent.

I'm on Day 1 of the Detox Diet (sort of). I'm at a friend's for dinner, and I'm going to eat the chili that they are providing, even though it's meat, and I'm supposed to avoid meat.

But it's got tomatoes and beans (and turkey), so it should be good. And yummy, since I'm hungry.

The diet involves A LOT of water, therefore the clear urine. When I wake up, I'm supposed to drink warm water with half a lemon. That wasn't too bad. Then I have to drink pure cranberry juice (yucky, not sweet) 1:4 mixed with water and psyllium husks (as in Metumucil). That sucked.

Then I have to drink over 10 cups of water over the day, with 3 of them mixed with this Cellfood stuff that supposedly helps detox.

For food, I've had two apples, half a bag of carrots, two Clementines, and a spinach salad (as in, spinach with dressing). It's supposed to be mostly fruits and veggies. I can't wait for the chili. But I'll skip any cheese or sour cream, to at least stay away from diary.

Tried to exercise, but the damn treadmill isn't working. That's really sucky, since that's one of the prongs of this multi-pronged attacks.

Still feel miserable from a cold, have been sleeping a lot lately.

Good job, Mary, both on conquering blogger and on your blog.

All of your goals sound like a good one, although for me, I need to get rid of stress more than get rid of clutter. As an Army Brat moving every year and a half, I've never been one for clutter.

But stress, that I have in plenty. This might mean I need to get rid of my current job, or at least find ways to deal with it so that it's less stressful. That might be a long weekend at work, or it might be taking the train so that the commute isn't stressful.

I'm also working on eating healthier, although I have so much food from NYE that I need to get rid of. And it's not horrible food (after all, food is not the enemy) so I'm eating it at a normal rate. I'll also take some to others.

I'm also working on something a bit more frothy. I'm trying to get rid of the nasty things I've done to my body, so I'm doing a detox diet. It just means lots of fruits, veggies, fiber, lemon, exercise, and some Cellfood (it's an oxygen supplement. Dunno if it'll work, but it won't hurt. :shrug:)

We'll see how well it works, since I'm not supposed to eat meat, wheat, or diary for a month. Since all three of these are suspects in whatever is making my digestive tract unhappy, it's sounds like a good idea anyway.

Hurrah, I finally conquered Blogger! I was having issues logging in.

I'd really like to focus on health this year, and I know that if I do this, my weight will adjust itself accordingly. Because if I'm doing what's truly right for myself in heart, body, and mind; my person is bound to evolve in a positive way.

All my fancy-schmancy way of saying I'll feel good AND look good! Heh, why use a few words when you can use many? Must be leftover from NaNoWriMo. Ahem.

I went grocery shopping on New Year's Day and bought stuff that I enjoy eating AND that is good for me. Luckily for me, I genuinely enjoy many foods that are high in nutrients, etc. I'm not saying I'm never going to eat stuff like cheeseburgers, fries, and ice cream again, because frankly, life wouldn't be worth living. But I am saying that they are to be the exception rather than the norm.

Being morbidly obsese (because why sugar coat it? My BMI is hideously high and I definitely fall into this category) is not an easy problem to solve. I've decided that it's caused by many different things. What those things are, I haven't discovered, obviously.

Oh, sure; there's the obvious: To lose weight, I must burn off more calories than I take in and get moving. And I'm not doing that. But it just isn't that simple (not that even THAT is simple!). There's got to be more to it because although I have sucessfully done these two things and lost weight in the past, I haven't been able to KEEP doing it. I haven't been able to keep from gaining back all that I've lost and more.

Why?

I don't know what the answers are, but I am dedicating 2009 to finding them.

Because to quote Yoda, Do, or do not. There is no try.

Here are some thoughts I've had on what I need to do, in no particular order:

1. I need to simplify my life by getting rid of clutter. Clutter causes stress, and stress causes over-eating.

2. I need to start devoting part of every day to my spirituality. A strong relationship with my savior can only help me take better care of myself.

3. I need to write everyday. It's hard to eat when you're typing, and it will make me happier, which will help with my emotional eating.

4. I need more physical contact. Sex would be ideal, but since that doesn't seem to be forthcoming, I have signed up with massage envy so that at least once a month, I'll be getting a full body massage. I am firmly convinced that people need flesh on flesh contact with other human beings to survive. And I'm not just talking about sex, hence the massages. :)

5. I need to move everyday.

6. I need to make sure that at the end of each week I have eaten much more healthy food than unhealthy food.

7. I need to volunteer, either time or money, to others.

8. I need to widen my social circle by joining some groups that most interest me, i.e. writing, dancing, wine tasting.

9. I need to spend more time outdoors, especially nature walks.

These are just some of the thoughts I pondered while I was delayed getting home from the holidays for hours and hours and hours. At least the time went to good use!

I spent the rest of New Year's Day in bed, sick. Not a way to start off the new year, and something I'd like to avoid.

Mary and I had a long conversation about weight and health to end our New Year's Eve. And we both agreed that we need to have a multi-pronged attack towards weight loss, since just focusing on one thing, i.e. food, exercise, etc, wasn't working.

We also agreed that we had better success when we focused on good health and eating, rather than limiting selections or options.

Since I've been having all sorts of gastric ailments, I really like the idea of focusing on good health.

I bought a book the day before on a detox diet. It's intense. A 4-week course, where you eat no meat, no dairy, mainly just fruits and veggies. Plus you have to take a lot of supplements and avoid toxins like plastics, things in cosmetics and toiletries, etc.

I decided it was too much. Then got up to use the bathroom, feeling all achy from having been in one position for too long. Then I looked in the mirror and saw my red, blotchy, old looking face.

Maybe I should do this detox.

So, trying to drink a lot of water. Even made sure to bring a glass from home, so I'm not drinking out of a plastic bottle. I'll head out tomorrow and get the supplements.

Hopefully I can do this for a month, then focus on healthy, normal eating after I clean out my system (especially my gut) out of the yucky stuff I've put into it the past 36 years.